Wednesday, April 30, 2014


Deciding to become a civic architectural systems theorist and visionary futurist, I recently changed my name to Buckminster Fugger and wrote a book called 'How to Enjoy Eating Alone and Other Dymaxion Visions'. My aim is to continue the great Buckminster Fuller's enterprise of designing and proposing efficient, fulfilling and, most importantly, imaginative new ways of living.

The following are some of the revolutionary concepts that you will find in my book...

A city with no streets and no roads (see image above) where you get around by climbing from building to building through windows and doors or jumping from roof to roof. This will entirely eradicate traffic congestion and pavement litter.

Huge coats you can live in made from water proof mattresses with lots of deep pockets where you store your belongings/children. When exhausted, you can just fall over and fall asleep. Each coat will be its own jurisdiction with laws decided upon by you and applying to you alone.

Balloon cities. Floating municipalities where the populations live off passing seagulls and other avian comestibles that they catch in nets.

Cities of air consisting of houses made out of air. Effectively, your belongings laid out in open spaces. Heating is provided by jumpers. Air conditioning is provided by taking the jumpers off. Protection from rain is achieved when the population takes to the skies on hang gliders and congregates beneath nimbus clouds, thus preventing possessions becoming water damaged.

Houses made out of human hair. We all have hair and we often cut it or it falls out. Why not use it as a construction material? Did you know that discarded human hair covers 98000 square miles of the Earth's surface? That's a lot of houses. Instead of being painted, hair houses will be combed. This will be done with large 'house combs'.

Spherical buildings, like balls, that will be tornado proof as they will just get rolled about the place instead of blown down. Occupants will be kept level when harnessed into interior gravitationally compensatory gyroscopes.

The Double Antwerp Decker. A new Antwerp that is an exact replica of the old Antwerp and placed right on top of it. This will give us twice the Antwerp we are currently accustomed to without taking up more of Belgium's space.

Skyscraper buildings made out of stacked minivans and inhabited solely by dogs that are fed via daily deliveries of chum fired upwards with catapults.

And finally, sky cats. These vicious feral cats will be dropped from the sky to land on top of corralled criminals as a new punitive measure that replaces prison.

That is all. To know more you will have to purchase my book but, in keeping with Bucky Fuller's avant-gardeism, my book is actually not a book at all but a bottled scent that you inhale. However, once you breathe it in you die, thus doing your bit for population reduction and avoiding the impending Malthusian catastrophe going forward.

Sunday, April 27, 2014


In no particular order…

It Must Not Live! It Cannot Die!
From Cygnus to Ceefax
A Quarter to Huh?
Return to Xalberemus
Xalberemus Victorius
Xalberemus Once More
Xalberemus Or Bust
Herbie Goes to Xalberemus
Xalberemus Destroyed
Xalberemus No More
Xalberemus Reborn
Go Fuck Yourself Xalberemus
When Telex Revolts!
Super Bomb in my Mouth!!!
Tyrolean Grey
The Desert Moons of L. Casei Immunitas
The Fartegium Conundrum
Star Farm – Livestock Us!!!
The Beast That Shouted Pardon At The Rear Of The World
The Chronicles of Arseworld
Clongriffin Heights
The Ska Planet
Last Rocket to Skasville
Come See, Come Ska!
Karganorak - Ravisher of Maidens!
Queen with a Thousand Tits
That Robot Has Tits!
Titbot 9000
An Omnibus of the Unthinkable
Unreadable Tales
Unspeakably Shite
I Have No Nose Yet I Must Smell!
I Have No Book Yet I Must Read!
I Cannot Write Yet I Must Sell!
Aldous Huxley's Flimpy the Robot Goose.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


The other night I saw a fox sitting completely still in the middle of the road. Sodium streetlight spilled through tree branches and caused a nervous system to dance across the tarmac. There was a full moon above. A really really full moon. Fuck, that moon was full. Earlier, at dusk, I watched the city from a hilltop as it turned into a web of stars. The wind was just about cold enough to remind you that there is such a thing as cold and to remind you that you are warm.

The next day I woke up and so had the world, ahead of me. Birds were sending beautiful code. Clouds clumped and swirled and sent smoke signals beyond human ken. The burning ball of the sun sometimes showed itself but mainly hid. And the sea too, different to the day before or even the minute before or the second. Ever changing and never the same. It made the soaking sound of a stadium roar. Foamy fractals dissolved on its glistening shore.

And back inland, the flowers are coming. All different colors. All different sizes and shapes and permutations of those sizes and shapes and permutations of those again, an endless variety, endlessly. And if we're miserable it's because our heads are pointed at the wrong place. Not everything is a given but these things are guaranteed. These things are free. So much to see. Seriously, you'd never catch up. How could you ever leave?
Watch where you point your head. Please. 

Sunday, April 13, 2014


We drove past the big shut down factory in the forest and my brother started talking. I couldn't hear him over the sound of the engine and with the wind coming through the broken window. As well as all that, I'm a bit deaf. I spend a lot of time faking that I know what's going on. My brother is one of the few people who knows this but he rarely takes it into consideration. I know that if I ask him to speak up I still won't be able to make out what he's saying. I also know that if I tell him I can't hear him he'll just keep talking anyway. So I just leave him keep talking. He seems to be enjoying it. He seems quite into whatever it is he's pretending I can hear. The only thing I think I hear him say is something about a billion euro. I decide that I'll ask him what he was talking about later, when it's quieter. When we've stopped for something to eat.

So, we stop for something to eat and it's quieter and I ask my brother what he was talking about.
'As we drove by the factory.'
'What factory?'
'The factory in the forest. The shut down place.'
My brother looks puzzled and shrugs.
'You said something about a billion euro.'
'I did?'
He still looks puzzled. He shrugs again. He says he can't remember.
'Well, you seemed pretty worked up about whatever it was.'
'Well sure, who wouldn't be?'
'How do you mean who wouldn't be? You don't even remember what you were talking about.'
'Well, you said I was talking about a billion euro, who wouldn't get worked up over that?'
I nod my head. 'I suppose', I say.
We finish eating in silence and then get back in the car. Once the engine is on and the wind is white noising through the broken window, my brother starts talking again. I watch him as he emotes. He's doing a lot of emoting. He's getting whatever it is off his chest. I can't hear a word he's saying but, you know, I'm glad I can be there for him.

Thursday, April 3, 2014


I'll never forget our Sunday adventure. Gazing at each another over macchiatos. Froth on your nose. 'Hey, let's do something.' Gliding through a lens flared afternoon on our fixies. Bon Iver on the soundtrack. 'Yeah, I feel that exact same way too.' The incline of your flannel hat. #CuteOverbite. Meeting Gustav and Francesca at the organic food market. He's getting back into puppeteering and she found this awesome Il Duce tee. We compare apps. We get toffee apples. You tell me about when you lived in Budapest and I tell you about my year in Brooklyn. 'I've been thinking about reading about physics.' We grab a taco and go see the new Spike Jonze. An Instagram sunset. A bench on the bank of the canal.
'I'm not sure I'm looking for something serious right now.'

'Me too, I'm like kind of like really busy and stuff.'
So it's an unremarkable goodbye that I'll write a remarkable song about and I'll perform it at Kabbรกge and you say that you'll be there but I know that you won't and neither will I but I'll think about today all day tomorrow while I'm processing gypsies at the death camp.