(Pictured: 'Togetherness')
Christmas is all about 'togetherness'
but this is a special Christmas message to those of you who will be
alone this Christmas. Fugger would like to remind those of you
who will be alone this Christmas that you will be alone this
Christmas. Alone. All alone. There is no point putting up decorations because no
one will see them. You are alone. You are alone because your friends
and family are dead or because no one likes you.
The only voices you will hear will be the voices on the telly or on
the radio or at the other end of a brief/strained telephone
conversation. Whatever the case, you will be alone so you should
prepare yourself to be alone. Quite alone.
Being alone at Christmas is not easy.
There are special dinners in hotels and so on for people who are
alone at Christmas but attending these dinners just makes you feel more alone. You
see the other people there, in their desperation and unlikeability,
and you realise that you are just like them
and that is why you are alone. When you are alone it is sometimes
best to remain alone. When I die, I want to be alone. I would hate to
die in a blazing building or on a crashing plane with other people
panicking and carrying on and making the
whole thing worse. Going to a Christmas dinner for people who are
alone is like dying in a plane crash or a big fire. If you are alone at
Christmas it is best to dine alone just as it is best to die alone.
It is more dignified. It is more peaceful. It is slightly less
horrific.
When you are alone at Christmas you at
least have the company of your thoughts. Having said that, you will
probably be thinking about how alone you are. You will not even be
able to comfort yourself with the thought that other people are
thinking about you in your aloneness because they won't be. Even the
ones who say they will be won't be because they will be having a good
time or involved in a row or something. At least you won't be
involved in a row at Christmas when you are alone at Christmas because you will be
alone at Christmas. Although, it is probably even better to be involved in a row
than it is to be alone. Being alone is one of the worst things of all and
being alone at Christmas is actually the very worst thing of all. It
is worse than being tortured. You are alone. Alone. Alone with your
thoughts about how alone you are. You won't even be able to
concentrate on the Christmas episode of Doctor Who properly because all the
characters will seem to be saying is the word 'alone' over and over.
Alone.
In my effort to firmly establish the
fact that you will be alone at Christmas and how alone you will be at
Christmas, I, Fugger, the people's blogger, realise
that I have not done enough provide you with some comfort. I will do
so now. The comfort is this: I love you. Fugger loves you. I may not
even know you but I do love you. I love you 'alone' Christmas
bastards and I will be thinking of you. It's true. Really. Even if
you don't believe me, just pretend that you do. There's no harm in
pretending. Christmas is all just pretend anyway. Everyone pretends
at Christmas so just join in. It's Christmas for God's sake. It's
just a load of pretend shite with pretend snow and flashing lights
that don't even work half the time. Everyone is pretending at
Christmas and everyone is alone at Christmas. Everyone. Alone. In
fact, everyone is alone all the time.
Everyone is alone.
But at least they have someone to pull
a cracker with.
(Oh, and the above applies to your
birthday too. Don't forget, you'll be alone then as well.)
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