(pictured: it's no wonder cats hate “meeces
to pieces”)
Conspiracy theories are all the rage
these days. People believe all kinds of fun stuff to do with secret
organisations ruling the world and weather technology controlling
storms and all that. It's great. Fugger (the people's blogger) has
long wanted to get involved in the conspiracy game so I've come up
with some of my own theories that I'll be forwarding on to Prison
Planet, Godlike Productions, and Russia Today.
Here's a sample of my favourites:
1: NEW YORK DOES NOT EXIST!
Never did. It's mainly done with
computer graphics. Have you ever been there? Well I have and it
wasn't there at all. It was another place done up to look like New
York. The Illuminati want you to think there is a New York so that
you'll go mad when CGI airplanes are crashed into it and agree to a
global security police regime. These global police will wear special
CIA sanctioned body scanning x-ray glasses and be able to see your girlfriend in
the nip (unless she is in the nip, in which case they'll see her
internal organs and skeleton).
If you meet someone who says they are
from New York they are probably MK Ultraed out of it and actually
from Wyoming or some place like that.
2: DOGS ARE MACHINES LIKE AT-AT WALKERS
IN STAR WARS!
These dog machines are driven by mice
to scare cats. This is just one strand of the animal war that is
being waged around you. Remember, when you feed a dog you are fueling
a mouse operated At-At and indirectly taking a side in a war against
your own cat.
Additionally, Tom and Jerry cartoons
were mouse propaganda and the animators that made them were also
machines controlled by mice that were inside them. It was the same
with Mickey Mouse cartoons. Even Walt Disney was a mouse - or mice to
be more precise (hey, that last bit rhymed so it must be true!!!)
Pixie and Dixie was another example of
mouse propaganda but no one remembers that so it doesn't matter.
3: CAKES ARE JUST MASSIVE BISCUITS!
Cakes are just big biscuits that are
soft. Don't be fooled! The average cake costs around €8. Would you
pay €8 for one biscuit? No, you wouldn't. You'd get at least four
packets of biscuits for that money – that's at least eighty cakes.
This is a plot by the Illuminati to get you to hand over more money
so they can spend it on developing mind control shoes (that take over
your mind once you put them on unless you're wearing tin foil socks).
From now on, wedding cakes should be
called wedding biscuits and so should birthday cakes. Likewise,
pancakes should be renamed panbiscuits but it's probably OK to keep
calling potato cakes potato cakes.
4: J.LO AND JENNIFER LOPEZ ARE THE
SAME PERSON!
The Illuminati aren't even trying with
this one. One name even sounds like the initials of the other and the
two women are identical. The Illuminati want you think she is two
different people as a ritualistic trick – they are always playing
them. (Remember the Emerson, Lake and Palmer deception? Lake wasn't
even a lake, he was just a bloke, like the other two.)
What's more, J.Lo/Jennifer Lopez isn't
even from 'the block' and she never 'had a little'. However, I will concede that she
does, in actual fact, 'have a lot'.
5: NEW YORK DOES EXIST!
The theory that it doesn't was a false
flag operation so that people won't care when the Illuminati crash
airplanes into it.
...and don't forget that Obama is a
Sasquatch. I've mentioned that before on this blog so remember where
you heard it first.
I'm really excited about contributing to the
narrative. It's all about the narrative. Let's build an exciting new
narrative, our own narrative, to carry us into the future. Once you have mastered the
narrative you will have a defined cognitive dumping ground for all
that nebulous hatred, rage, frustration, confusion, alienation, and
fear that makes you want to SHOUT! It's also a fun hobby. Expect to
see my new conspiracies catch fire and WAKE UP SHEEPLE!
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